Day 4 Let's see

Today I volunteered at the kids school. The children ran to me and hugged me. I still don't know all their names but someday I will get there. Lil Ro had a wonderful day and it made me proud. I had fun talking to his teacher too. I found out she is a new grandma again as of yesterday. Just thinking of a tiny baby made me smile.

I also got so much done today. I did 3 large loads of laundry. I made 6 dozen tamales and I even made time to go rescue a cat. My husband told me I am an amazing wife and I am starting to believe it. I am very tired but that is expected.

My wonderful neighbors stepped up and helped me with the kids. I am really blessed to have neighbors who don't mind stepping up and giving a lending hand.

Tomorrow is my appointment with my doctor. I cannot wait to talk to her about all my issues too. Hopefully soon, I will be that happy and healthier me again.

Day 3: I missed day two. This will get easier

Today was a wonderful day. Last night Ro surprised me and we went out to dinner just the two of us. I ate a wonderful shrimp burrito and just sitting there with him while he adored me was just an amazing experience. I am truly a lucky woman. I have an adoring husband. He has been with one woman and one woman only. We have a boy and girl. We have good friends. We aren't rich but we don't struggle. I just have to remember nothing is perfect but I am getting there.

I got to lay down today and take a two hour nap. That was so nice. I only woke up when I dreamed I was downing a gallon of water.  I rarely take naps anymore but today I was so mentally and physically tired it was a requirement. It felt good and I like feeling refreshed. My body needed it.

I am a strong woman. I have gotten through a lot. Not a lot of woman can say they have escaped an abusive family. Not many women can say they have learned anger management. Not a lot of women can say they stuck by their family when their heads were swirling with scary thoughts. We are currently getting our wages garnished but at least we are happy, healthy and loved. In the long run isn't that what matters most?

Day One: Trial and Error

 So here I am. I am trying to find a moment of gratitude. I have to try to list 3 a day so I can reflect on these when I am feeling down. It will help me focus on the positive instead of all the negative and one of them must be about me. This is a hard thing for me. I have been bashing myself for the  past 32 years but I have to find something so let me think about this.

First of all today I got to walk my daughter to and from school. She was not embarrassed of me at all and instead talked to me as I was one of her best friends and not her mother. She giggled with me and even had fun playing in the rain with me. Her friends even enjoy my company. I know most preteens are embarrassed of their folks but I am pretty blessed that she loves me.

Another good thing that happened to me and my son finally had a full week where he behaved in class. He wasn't even supposed to be in the first grade and now here he is making giant strides and keeping up with his class. This continues to show me that I am an incredible mother.

The final thing for today is the most important thing of all. I am an incredible person. I am not materialistic. I am nonjudgmental and I am very helpful. I have been through a lot in my life and I am still alive and kicking. Many people could not get through what I have and still be standing strong. I am learning to love myself again and find the joy in life. I know if I keep doing this daily then I will retrain my thoughts to be positive again.

An Intro to Why This Exists

Welcome to my first blog. Today was a first day for me. Today i took the first steps into a healthier mental health. I have discovered that I have been messed up since I was a child. Today I am going to become a healthier me.

My counselor strongly encouraged me to start writing again. I loved blogging but honestly a blog about my children and life just didn't fit the bill. I needed somewhere I could find the positive stuff about me. I am going to learn to find the moments of happiness in darkness. Today I begin to find peace with all the turmoil and sadness revolving in my head.

I am depressed. I am gentetically depressed. I was born to women who suffered from bipolar. I was terrified of this moment of when I could put a name to my condition. I feared hearing the words and now that I have I am on my first step to healing with this blog. Feel free to join this journey with me or don't. It's no longer about you. It's all about me and learning to find the light at the end of the tunnel.